Cos i need time to think which word is appropriate for the post.
And normally I take up alot of time thinking / finding the suitable one which matches my feelings.
I have forgotten to blog that, yesterday..
He came to my void deck waiting for me from 8pm.
Had a long chat and teary ones.
He did pointed out one flaw the both of us have.
"Bottling up of feelings during relationship process.
And when it comes to quarrelling / bickering,
that's when the bottle burst and both of us are ..... w it."
The end conclusion?
I told him I needed some private time, and at certain point, I really wanted to have a clean break from all.
I just wanted my peace and tranquility back.
He refused to accept the break, hushing me to relax and urging me to re-consider it all.
Part of me do loves him, but another part of me is tired. =(
sighs.
Anyway, It's Father's Day today.
Kinda emotional one for me though.
Dad & Aunt Eileen came over to my place to pass me the cyclinder which the chinese physician has 'ordered' us to do daily.
Headed to the opposite hawker centre to have a good breakfast.
It's been a long while since I had a meal with both of them.
Aunt Eileen shared alot of personal views on my illness..
We spoke quite alot.. but I got kinda emotional when she asked..
"Whether I still blame Dad for leaving me then.."
My heart sank.
I told her the truth.
When I was young, I did blame Dad for leaving me.
If he didnt left,
- I wouldn't have to face the fact that I recall both him n mum outside the court fighting for my custody.
- I wouldn't have my left knee's injured due to his disappearance to Taiwan. (Which caused mum's emotion to went hay-wired = leading to my bad fall.)
- I didnt have to face the hardship of being forced to mature at a young age alone.
- I didnt have a complete family and I envy others whenever I sees them.
- I didnt have to shuffle between both houses from Yishun to Hillview.
- I didnt have to face people I didnt like and receive harsh treatments around.
- I didnt have to shut myself off and think that no one loves me.
- I didnt have to think that no one really cares cos both mum and dad remarried to their spouses and none concerned much about me.
- I wouldn't have stress at young tender age.
- I wouldn't have to support my own living expenses.
- I wouldn't have to start working full time after "O" levels if they would be able to support me for my re-examinations.
- I wouldn't have to slog out for Polytechnic fees on my own.
- I wouldn't have to pay braces on my own.
- I wouldn't have to face the fact my parent cares more about themselves then towards me for my health, studies, wealth and etc. =(
- I wouldnt have gotten depression, extreme stress and all.
And..
- I wouldn't have the chance to enjoy a full complete family love.
.....
Okay. I didn't tell her either of these at all.
I just told her I did blame him when i was young due to immaturity.
But now that I am older, i understand their needs.
Thus I am fine.
It's my life and i accept it.
Just that that past experience have brought me a negative setback which I tends to shut people off my life easily whenever I face negative issues.
I am still, trying to overcome it.
...........
I doubt I will be able to overcome this childhood ordeal.
On my way on train, I couldn't help but to tear.
And I sure looked kinda sick when I arrived at work.
I tweeted,
好久没和老爸一起吃饭了。。今天是以二十四年以来。。第一次向家人说出年小时候的真心话。。眼泪都快要流出来了。。好想对老爸说。。“爸，别为以前的事而自责了。。我已经长大和想通了。不要为我而感到内疚。你永远还是我的亲爱老爸。.....
Gf & Xx replied with love & smiley.
=)
Dozed off after I have reached home from work..
And the msg I tweeted kinda bugged me.
Why can't I forward it to Dad?
.....
I hestitated for a long period.
And I braved my courage..
Copy and paste to Dad..
Shortly, his reply was.. "Haha.. After work, Go home sleep lah.."
=)
*breathes in deeply..
*breathes out deeply..
Sighs..
I am speechless now..
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